Why Do I Keep Getting Ghosted?

Picture this. You and your match on a dating app have been speaking for a week. You feel as if the conversation is going exceptionally well. You are exchanging memes, photos, talking about going on a date soon, and things seem to be going swimmingly. Then out of nowhere, boom, no more responses. You look back at your last message at 6:47 pm on Tuesday. An hour passes, Four hours pass. Now it’s been a day. Now it has been two days. A week has now gone by, and no more responses. No heads up, no warning, just no more correspondence between you and someone you thought you were hitting it off. You realize that you have become the latest victim of what’s known as ghosting. Ghosting is (according to Wikipedia) “a colloquial term used to describe the practice of ceasing all communication and contact with a partner, friend, or similar individual without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts to reach out or communicate made by a said partner, friend, or individual.” Ghosting is abrupt, catches you off guard, and has you second-guessing yourself. You start to go over every message you’ve sent, the timing of your signals, or the person giving you some indication that this would happen. In actuality, sometimes it’s nothing that you’ve done, but all about the person doing the ghosting. What could be going on in their life to cut all communication off with you without giving you a reason? Let’s dive into the possibilities.

1. They have Not interested anymore.

a. The same may not be said for your match as much as you may have invested in the conversation. They might not have been as interested as you were. They could’ve gotten tired of the back and forth and just decided that they have done with the situation. For them, it made more sense to make a clean break of it than to continue leading you on or continue the conversation that would lead to nowhere for them.

2. Someone they are more interested in emerges a. It may be naive to believe that when you start talking to a person on an online dating site, you are the only person, they are speaking. The nature of most online platforms is to get users the most matches possible and to narrow down those matches to find dates and, ultimately, their favorite person to move forward. To believe that the person you are conversing with is only speaking to you goes against the nature of online dating. And because of users talking to multiple people, there is a chance that they may meet someone more compatible with them or someone that they just like more. Instead of telling all of the other people they are talking to that they are going to focus on the more compatible match, it’s easier to move on.

3. They rekindled the previous relationship a. Some online dating users join because they are fresh out of a relationship and looking for a rebound situation or searching for a new partner. However, during this process, they may still be in touch with their ex-partner, who is still their friend or trying to get back in their good graces. Instead of trying to pursue something new, the user decides to go back to something familiar because they are not over their ex or realized that the relationship wasn’t over. Going on a dating platform and talking to people was a mistake.

4. Something tragic happened a. Life comes at all of us fast. Most of the things we encounter are out of control, like untimely deaths or illnesses of family members or friends. Losing a loved one can change everyone’s perspective on what’s important and what they want to put their time and energy. When things like this happen, users would rather spend time with their family and friends or keep to themselves. Dating would put on the back burner, and hence, all of the people they’re talking to wouldn’t be a priority.

5. They are overwhelmed with life a. It should always be at the top of your mind that people have experiences outside of their engagement with you. You may be speaking with them and learning more about them, but they do not always reveal everything about themselves to you. They have things going on that they may not want to share, and when all those things come to a head, it can be overwhelming for anyone. For them, the best way to deal with things is to avoid contact with others and distance themselves from people who are not immediate family members or close friends, which results in ghosting everyone else, unfortunately. 

Ghosting hurts as you start to think about everything that you could possibly have done wrong to steer the person away from you. Sometimes you could have sparked the ghosting, by turning them off with a comment that rubbed them the wrong way. But more than not, it’s probably something that has to deal more with the person you’re talking to than anything you have done. They are individuals with lives as well, with things going on that are out of yours and their own control. So as much as it may sting, just remember and take solace in the fact that it is more than likely nothing that you did and has to do more with the person and what they have going on in their lives.